Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-35284508-20180417160128/@comment-35315474-20180419065751

Thank you, Mistress Kat, for sharing so much of what you've gone through. I am so sorry your ex was so abusive and drunk (although the two tend to go together). That must have been extremely difficult on you and your son at the time while the memories continue to haunt you both as they linger on. Some things can never be forgotten – in our minds and in our bones. You are definitely a survivor.

It's both sad and interesting that we all have such difficult family issues. I have been estranged by choice from my own family for almost a decade now. There is no reconciling as they want me to say that I was not abused when they know very well I was. I am a survivor of prolonged childhood sexual abuse from age 10 until I could finally move out (and he kept trying even after that!). My brothers also did it, but only once with one brother and twice with the other. I was the only daughter, the youngest. I had no idea what was happening, but lived to know the consequences. Fortunately, I did receive exceptional therapy: almost 3 years, 2x each week. I even moved into my own apartment to be on my own to process it all (been married 33 years now so he supported my being on my own for those years). It turned out to be a godsend. I am so much more at peace now. However, I refuse to pretend it didn't happen and be called out as a liar on top of the abuse so I finally left my family (well, my mother, but she rules everyone so I knew telling her goodbye would mean everyone would abandon me). It hurts. But to be with them hurts more so this is the lesser of the two evils.

One thing I learned in therapy is that no one changes unless they want to change, and most people will only want to change when the pain of changing is less than the pain of not changing — the basics behind how "rock bottom" works. So if people were paying for your ex's recovery, they were doing it all wrong by making it far too easy. Research has found that people who pay for their own therapy progress far better than those who receive it for free or are mandated (e.g., by the courts) to go. In other words -- the easier it is to get, the less likely it will work.

So when my daughter started wanting to get sober, she first tried to get someone to pay for a rehab. My husband and I completely said no way. We allowed her to face her own consequences. Eventually, her life unraveled and she became injured with 3 broken/missing teeth (her upper front teeth so she could not hide it), completely penniless, and homeless. We agreed to store her stuff -- what she still had, but it wasn't much. She had multiple legal issues including DUI and family assault. I'm not proud of how she's handled them, but it's not my life. I have told her very clearly that she is building the life she has to live. I already built and continue to build mine. She will live hers—for better or worse—and I will live mine. If I don't like mine, it's my issue. If she doesn't like hers, that's her issue. She is 28 now so she is definitely old enough to be in charge of her life. However, when she was completely homeless, we agreed to let her stay as long as she remained sober. She needed to get her leg and teeth fixed, get a job, get a car, and then move back out. Her time here is not at all permanent, and if she ever gets too cozy with it, that will tell me that she's not working on her issues which means the deal is broken and she is out.

She was also a difficult child. I have now come to believe she's on the autism scale with a nice heaping of ODD (oppositional defiance disorder)... meaning she will defy authority just because she... well, just because it's authority. She was extremely rude to me growing up and really hurt her little sister by destroying her sister's sentimental belongings. I think she was jealous, but that's no excuse. We tried to get her treatment (she was refusing to obey any of our rules, wouldn't go to school, and destroyed our home, and then tried to cut either her father or herself with the broken window glass as he held her down while I literally tied her up and called 911). Yeah, that's a child out of control. So the 911 people had her admitted into a psychiatric hospital, and from there she was put in two different lock down facilities (one to get her stable and the other for treatment with the goal of being college bound as she is/was very intelligent). She was highly defiant in both programs, progressing very slowly while our retirement money poured down the drain. She was finally released on her 18th birthday. We allowed her to come home with a written, signed, and posted contract of her behavior and consequences, including removal from the home. That finally got her attention and she behaved (well, behaved enough). From there, I gave her an age (22) in which she had to move out as it's not healthy for children to remain at home when the reach their mid-20s. I gave her 1.5 years notice, and in that time, she got a job, we helped her get a car, and she moved out. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was an alcoholic so she started drinking to fit in. Well, turns out she is an extremely rude and beligerant alcoholic so bye-bye went all her so-called friends.

She tried to continue on, but her alcoholism began to eat up her life. She lost her job. Then another. Then another. And then she started losing jobs even before she began. She blew through 7 different jobs in as many months. I will give her credit for being willing to work!

BTW, I will not ride Uber or similar because guess when my daughter picked up her DUI – after dropping off her last customer for the night. Yeah. She was a delivery person and then an Uber and Favor driver while drinking large bottles of vodka.

She has been a much nicer person since she's been back this time. She loves to cook and for the first time in years has shown some actual caring for me by cooking me low-carb dinners to help me control my diabetes. She decides what to make, shops for the groceries (we drive – keys and money are locked up), cooks, serves, and then cleans up. This is the child who still won't even send a text saying "happy birthday."

Although she has slipped a few times, the slips were preceeded by being sobor for long stretches and followed by stopping immediately after. Her tolerance has decreased so the last time she slipped, she went through horrible withdrawals beyond what she expected. We've talked about how fooling herself into thinking "just a little sip won't hurt" because of the way the neurons are connected in the brain. She's resolved that she will never drink alcohol again, but it really is hard. It has been her coping skill for years, and she has to learn how to face life's problems without it.

I can't say if she'll ever go into long-term recovery or not, but I know she wants it. We've allowed her to face most of the consequences, and she knows we will kick her out and she will not be allowed back if she go back into alcoholism. I've had to learn to balance being a mother (loving her) and being a parent (maintaining strong boundaries). This is not what I expected being a mother would be like. But it's what it is.

My other daughter, thankfully, is doing better. She made a horrible mista